We've solved all of our problems!

Don't let just anyone see our books! If we keep it to just certain people, then there's no way that they can tell us our stuff sucks. Like...our sister. Or our mom. They always tell us that everything we do is great, how else would we have such an inflated sense of our talent? If we only sell our books to people who sign an agreement stating they won't tell us it sucks, and they agree to buy the book sight unseen, and they promise not to talk about our book with other people then the whole thing will be ironclad! Like, as if one of our vampires pissed all over them and covered them in iron so they're totally like "Ewww!" and "I'm covered in iron piss!" at the same time. It's such a brilliant idea, it'll totally help us keep out the Trolls and prevent us from hearing anything that makes us feel bad!

Werewolf genitalia is hard!

We want to make sure that everything is perfectly researched for our darque, matureatorial games so that means werewolves without gonads, at least for now. There are a lot of considerations that have to be made when drawing the genitalia of these massive, sexy beasts. That means studying a lot of penises before trying to actually draw them. We sent out a request for models on Craigslist and...wow...there have been a lot of responses. Apparently there are a lot of out-of-work nude models. They are very enthusiastic too, because they just keep texting and emailing over and over again, asking where we are and when we want to meet up. We think one of them is that hobo. We're not falling into that trap again. Well, that's all for now - there's a lot of studying to do and practice penises to draw!

Conversions

We believe that our games should be flexible enough to handle any situation. That's why we are putting out a a guide on how to create characters from any vampire movie or book. Do you want to play a vampire out of Buffy, or Blade, or Underworld, or Sesame Street? That's completely possible in Vampire: Not Quite Dead Yet. The only ones you can't play are the kind from those Pale Canine people. For one thing the systems are 1% different - our game has Constitution instead of Stamina. How would you even convert the characters? It's impossible. And how would you ever figure out which clan to put the other vampires in? Plus the powers are so totally different than the vampires in VNTQDY. The process would just be so grievous and troublesome - mainly because then lawyers would get involved. Especially lawyers.

LOLCats!

Someone pointed out to us that Skrillex and Korn have  made a song. It's like some kind of combination of awesome darque hardcore music and electronic music the world has never heard before. This new style of music should be called something like "Mechanical." But don't use that, we're going to trademark it.

EDIT: I was just told this already exists, and it's called "industrial." This must be the work of Pale Canine again, because one of these "industrial" bands is called "Skinny Puppy." We must be a real threat to them, otherwise why would they do this?

It's times like this that Staind and P.O.D. just don't help us feel better. Not even Miracles.

LOLCats might help distract everyone that keeps stigmatizing us! It's their fault we're forced to post them everywhere on our page so it makes their questions disappear. Again with the questions. "Where did all of your demos go?" "Why haven't you ever hosted any of the events you posted?" "What happened to the money people paid for them?" I don't have to answer any of those questions, and definitely not about where this case of Faygo came from.

But the LOLCats don't stop them. Still they ask, "If you're an rpg company, why are you posting LOLCats everywhere?" So since we listen to only the parts of questions from our fans that we want to, we are proud to announce our new game: LOLCats: The Game That's Like Vampire With Cats.

Now you can stalk the night with felinitorial predatoriness.

There are the Elegrrr, fluffy cats with squished faces who rule over catkind.

Then the Bumeowy, black, totally creepy cats that you swear are in one room, but then find them in another. How do they do that? We won't tell you until the Bumeowy sourcebook, because business models deserve copying too!  They are always peeking at you from underneath things.

Finally, there are the Chrowrchie, the xxxtreme cats that have dominated the tops of doorways, leaping kicks, and jumping on children's heads since at least 1992. They run through the night, yowling like strays and tomcats in the night. Like cats do. Especially tomcats.

Since mentioning LOLCats five minutes ago, our staff has been working hard on this book and we already have 40 pages written. There is no preview yet, but the odds are it will look almost exactly like this, once we find our thesaurus and some images to copy.

The Truth

We get really upset when people keep stopping us from doing what we want.

First people in some LARP would't let us use Raven Nevar as a character. We have worked for years crafting his 100,000 year backstory. Who wouldn't want a 100,000 year old ubercool head of a corporation who just rides around on elevators and throws people through windows, skateboarding through the halls with his trenchcoat flapping like a raven. Who not only personally knows Marilyn Manson and Trent Reznor, but was able to make them into best friends? The only thing cooler would be if Korn and Skrillex got together to make a song.

The Pale Canine blocked us from their Facebook page. Then Wikipedia kept deleting our entries and told us we were unimportant and wanted us to follow rules. Then the Purple RPG Site banned us for advertising our products and not understanding why they would ask us to stop. If constantly asking people to buy our stuff and visit our Facebook page isn't the purpose of a message forum, then what is? Don't they know who we are? We are have been a corporation since I was six years old! There's a website and a Facebook page with a cool, darque logo, and some pictures of us in front of some signs taped to a wall. We have a lot of people who are willing to say that they work for us. But everyone always wants proof of these things. Proof, proof, proof. "Where's the license for that artwork?" "How is your game different than everyone else's?" "Why do you keep talking like there's more than one person behind this whole thing?" Isn't enough that we keep talking about all of our cool ideas and books without actually telling you anything?!

I have now figured out the truth. Pale Canine is behind everything. They are spending their millions and millions of dollars in an orchestrated campaign to keep us down. Because they know that they traveled to the future from the past, stole our ideas, then went back in time and used them. Everyone is in on it. Wikipedia, the Purple RPG Site, that undercover cop that set me up a few days. They are sending Trolls and Haters to our Facebook page just to be disruptive by asking too many questions. Because asking questions is the ultimate form of Trolling...because it means that people want answers, and I don't like giving answers. At least straight ones.

We just realized something

If we continually post new things, the old things start to get pushed further down. That's even better than deleting things that make us feel uncomfortable, because when we do that but leave our own posts it makes us feel like we're talking to ourselves! But if we just post a bunch of stupid memes, the old posts will disappear and no one will ever see them again. For some reason, I feel like singing some Barbara Streisand songs after this!

A note from...Tom. We'll call him Tom. Tom Mott.

In response to all of the poopyheads that say our games suck, we've asked our senior editor in chief...Tom...to explain that they don't.

"Our games don't suck. You're just not playing them right because you do not have the darquiratorial mind needed to understand them. And you're a poopyhead."

Yeah, that's the best that we could do. Could some of you guys send us some insulting stuff about the people that keep making fun of us? We were always really bad at come backs in school - the best one was, "Well...I know I am but what are you?".

Our inspirations

So here's a question from a fan named Daryl:

"Well, man, I was wonderin' why you don' ever say what parts of your games are from other places? Y'know?I seen a couple things that I'm pretty sure were taken from some other places, and I remember in school we had to give credit for other people's ideas. Not that I ever went to school or nothin'."

Thanks Daryl for that question! Unfortunately we had to ban you, because that made us a little uncomfortable.

The truth is, we dropped out of college because the instructor was all, "Cite this" and "Reference that". How does that help us copy other people's stuff? We have a lengthy list of things that we've seen that might be a part of our games, but if any of it just so happens to be word for word, how are we supposed to keep track? Besides, because of the darque mysteriatorial nature of our games, you have to be part of the in-crowd to get it. Otherwise, you're just not cool enough. That's a bannable offense by the way. You actually can't have our games if you're  not cool enough. I'll let you pay for them though.

We have a position open!

Darque Fyrebyrd Publishyng is looking for an intern! Do you have what it takes to work for nothing? You'll get practical experience in doing game publisher type stuff (hopefully you know what that means, because we're not sure). It also looks really good to have something on your resume that nobody knows what the hell it is, they assume it must have been something mysterious and stuff. This position isn't for the faint of heart because our books come from the darquest portions of our souls, where our gothy modernitational inner demons crash into our mental monsters like BMX racers in one of those round cage things. Especially vampires. Where things aren't what they seem. Like when a hobo turns out to be an undercover cop. Have you ever been handcuffed and peed your pants, looking for a random board in an alley to swing at him? That is our world. Right now.

If you are interested, please send me an email and we will arrange to meet you at our office. In Hardee's. We're usually there most of the day, or at least until the manager tells us to get out. That's the kind of predatory life that we lead. Please bring at least one idea for something in one of our games, in hard copy, preferably the only copy of that idea. Don't worry if you haven't seen much about our games, it's okay because we'll be able to finish our book once we've see your idea and then you can buy it. We're sorry but we can't return the idea that you've given us. If we like what we see, we'll let you put that you work for us on your Facebook profile. Just don't tell anyone, or we'll deny it.

Rappin' about Vampire: Not Quite Dead Yet

It looks like there's a lot of interest in our games out there. Already 60 people have visited our page, and one of them even enthusiastically clicked +1. I'll answer any questions you may have about our darque, confectionitorial modern-but-90s-style game of creepy, mature, in-your-face horror. Except that bum who propositioned me outside of Pizza Pirates while I was trying to look mysterious. The answer is still "No", and if you don't leave me alone I'll sue you. .siht daer nac ydobon yllufepoH .11 ta retspmud eht dniheb uoy teem ll'I.

To those who asked us how our game is different than other vampire games on the market, it's obvious you can't handle the subtlety of our in-your-face game. Part of the horror is realizing that while you think you've read it all before, you know that there are little differences you can't quite put your finger on. Like a "y" slipped into a word here, or a word replacing a word that means exactly the same thing there. But if you can't stop comparing us to that other company who we can't name because their lawyers are watching us like hawks, we'll get in big trouble because they've told us we have to stop you guys from saying that stuff. It also really bothers us, in our hearts, to realize that so many people also know how to use the Internet to verify facts. It makes our job so much harder. So we just give up actually telling anybody about it. You have to trust us that this book is like nothing you have ever seen and will transform your role-playing experience through the research we did on Wikipedia and all the movies we watched.

Broccoli Sourcebook

We have finished with our new Broccoli sourcebook for our groundbreaking game for our P.H.L.E.G.M. system, as part of the Vampyre: Not Quite Dead Yet line. If you have ever wanted to experience the horror and despair of this mysterious - some would say "Satanic" (especially 7-year olds) vampiric vegetable - please buy this book now! It gives options for both steamed and raw broccoli. It also contains darkness, and mature themes, and is edgy and stuff, but in a 90s way because that's when I stopped maturing emotionally. Everyone will think you're cool if they see you riding the bus reading it. They might even ask, "Who are you?". If they do, be careful because they might be another one of our fans. Seriously, be careful. Several may be on parole.

You could look at the demo of Broccoli to see how meticulously researched and historically accurate this book is. But you can't. We had to take down the demo so that we could make some changes. Actually, we're not making any changes at all. Somebody pointed out that we had taken almost all of our artwork from The Food Channel, and we wanted to hide the evidence. Our understanding is that once you remove something from the Internet, it is gone forever and no one can ever find it. Like that bowl of veggies I stuck under the refrigerator when I was five years old. Mom never found it. She actually sold the house, so there's no way she'll ever know now. Anyway, if you want to see it you'll need to buy it. Just do it before next Thursday, because then we'll actually have the sourcebook done, and you'll have to buy it again to get the corrected copy. You don't know how hard it is to copy...I mean write 200 pages in three days. Someone told me that's actually not possible for a book of the quality we produce, and I kind of agree but then I had to ban him for trolling.

Speaking of which, I would like to remind our fans and other curious people that we do not tolerate Trolling. It infringes on a trademark that we have registered and just generally upsets us. By "us", I mean "me" - Mikayhl Lhyakim. I also resent anyone referring to my name as an almost palindrome - it is a perfect palindrome. Perfect like our products. I have, like, 1 or 2 people on Facebook that aren't my mom and sister that tell me there's nothing wrong with the twelve books we have yet to actually show the world, and I shouldn't listen to anybody when they talk about my stuff. Except then I wouldn't listen to those 1 or 2 people, and since there's no books I'm not sure what I would be ignoring anyway. I'm very confused now. I think I'll go have a Faygo and listen to ICP.