We've solved all of our problems!

Don't let just anyone see our books! If we keep it to just certain people, then there's no way that they can tell us our stuff sucks. Like...our sister. Or our mom. They always tell us that everything we do is great, how else would we have such an inflated sense of our talent? If we only sell our books to people who sign an agreement stating they won't tell us it sucks, and they agree to buy the book sight unseen, and they promise not to talk about our book with other people then the whole thing will be ironclad! Like, as if one of our vampires pissed all over them and covered them in iron so they're totally like "Ewww!" and "I'm covered in iron piss!" at the same time. It's such a brilliant idea, it'll totally help us keep out the Trolls and prevent us from hearing anything that makes us feel bad!

Werewolf genitalia is hard!

We want to make sure that everything is perfectly researched for our darque, matureatorial games so that means werewolves without gonads, at least for now. There are a lot of considerations that have to be made when drawing the genitalia of these massive, sexy beasts. That means studying a lot of penises before trying to actually draw them. We sent out a request for models on Craigslist and...wow...there have been a lot of responses. Apparently there are a lot of out-of-work nude models. They are very enthusiastic too, because they just keep texting and emailing over and over again, asking where we are and when we want to meet up. We think one of them is that hobo. We're not falling into that trap again. Well, that's all for now - there's a lot of studying to do and practice penises to draw!

Conversions

We believe that our games should be flexible enough to handle any situation. That's why we are putting out a a guide on how to create characters from any vampire movie or book. Do you want to play a vampire out of Buffy, or Blade, or Underworld, or Sesame Street? That's completely possible in Vampire: Not Quite Dead Yet. The only ones you can't play are the kind from those Pale Canine people. For one thing the systems are 1% different - our game has Constitution instead of Stamina. How would you even convert the characters? It's impossible. And how would you ever figure out which clan to put the other vampires in? Plus the powers are so totally different than the vampires in VNTQDY. The process would just be so grievous and troublesome - mainly because then lawyers would get involved. Especially lawyers.

LOLCats!

Someone pointed out to us that Skrillex and Korn have  made a song. It's like some kind of combination of awesome darque hardcore music and electronic music the world has never heard before. This new style of music should be called something like "Mechanical." But don't use that, we're going to trademark it.

EDIT: I was just told this already exists, and it's called "industrial." This must be the work of Pale Canine again, because one of these "industrial" bands is called "Skinny Puppy." We must be a real threat to them, otherwise why would they do this?

It's times like this that Staind and P.O.D. just don't help us feel better. Not even Miracles.

LOLCats might help distract everyone that keeps stigmatizing us! It's their fault we're forced to post them everywhere on our page so it makes their questions disappear. Again with the questions. "Where did all of your demos go?" "Why haven't you ever hosted any of the events you posted?" "What happened to the money people paid for them?" I don't have to answer any of those questions, and definitely not about where this case of Faygo came from.

But the LOLCats don't stop them. Still they ask, "If you're an rpg company, why are you posting LOLCats everywhere?" So since we listen to only the parts of questions from our fans that we want to, we are proud to announce our new game: LOLCats: The Game That's Like Vampire With Cats.

Now you can stalk the night with felinitorial predatoriness.

There are the Elegrrr, fluffy cats with squished faces who rule over catkind.

Then the Bumeowy, black, totally creepy cats that you swear are in one room, but then find them in another. How do they do that? We won't tell you until the Bumeowy sourcebook, because business models deserve copying too!  They are always peeking at you from underneath things.

Finally, there are the Chrowrchie, the xxxtreme cats that have dominated the tops of doorways, leaping kicks, and jumping on children's heads since at least 1992. They run through the night, yowling like strays and tomcats in the night. Like cats do. Especially tomcats.

Since mentioning LOLCats five minutes ago, our staff has been working hard on this book and we already have 40 pages written. There is no preview yet, but the odds are it will look almost exactly like this, once we find our thesaurus and some images to copy.

The Truth

We get really upset when people keep stopping us from doing what we want.

First people in some LARP would't let us use Raven Nevar as a character. We have worked for years crafting his 100,000 year backstory. Who wouldn't want a 100,000 year old ubercool head of a corporation who just rides around on elevators and throws people through windows, skateboarding through the halls with his trenchcoat flapping like a raven. Who not only personally knows Marilyn Manson and Trent Reznor, but was able to make them into best friends? The only thing cooler would be if Korn and Skrillex got together to make a song.

The Pale Canine blocked us from their Facebook page. Then Wikipedia kept deleting our entries and told us we were unimportant and wanted us to follow rules. Then the Purple RPG Site banned us for advertising our products and not understanding why they would ask us to stop. If constantly asking people to buy our stuff and visit our Facebook page isn't the purpose of a message forum, then what is? Don't they know who we are? We are have been a corporation since I was six years old! There's a website and a Facebook page with a cool, darque logo, and some pictures of us in front of some signs taped to a wall. We have a lot of people who are willing to say that they work for us. But everyone always wants proof of these things. Proof, proof, proof. "Where's the license for that artwork?" "How is your game different than everyone else's?" "Why do you keep talking like there's more than one person behind this whole thing?" Isn't enough that we keep talking about all of our cool ideas and books without actually telling you anything?!

I have now figured out the truth. Pale Canine is behind everything. They are spending their millions and millions of dollars in an orchestrated campaign to keep us down. Because they know that they traveled to the future from the past, stole our ideas, then went back in time and used them. Everyone is in on it. Wikipedia, the Purple RPG Site, that undercover cop that set me up a few days. They are sending Trolls and Haters to our Facebook page just to be disruptive by asking too many questions. Because asking questions is the ultimate form of Trolling...because it means that people want answers, and I don't like giving answers. At least straight ones.

We just realized something

If we continually post new things, the old things start to get pushed further down. That's even better than deleting things that make us feel uncomfortable, because when we do that but leave our own posts it makes us feel like we're talking to ourselves! But if we just post a bunch of stupid memes, the old posts will disappear and no one will ever see them again. For some reason, I feel like singing some Barbara Streisand songs after this!

A note from...Tom. We'll call him Tom. Tom Mott.

In response to all of the poopyheads that say our games suck, we've asked our senior editor in chief...Tom...to explain that they don't.

"Our games don't suck. You're just not playing them right because you do not have the darquiratorial mind needed to understand them. And you're a poopyhead."

Yeah, that's the best that we could do. Could some of you guys send us some insulting stuff about the people that keep making fun of us? We were always really bad at come backs in school - the best one was, "Well...I know I am but what are you?".